‘I already chose. I’m here. I’m happy.’ A pause. ‘I am, I’m happy.’ ‘If you’re happy, why are you out here? Why are you running?�...� Another tear begins its journey down her cheek as she resumes playing with her hair. ‘Because it still hurts. To know that I was wrong. To feel like maybe I wasted…. something. To wonder if I’m wrong now. To feel like I’m permanently trapped between choices.’ She glares. ‘You didn’t tell me it would be this complicated. You didn’t tell me it would hurt this. “Hi, it’s Jae.”“Jae! I ... I actually didn’t expect to hear from you. How are you?”“Good,” I told him. It was Friday afternoon, a couple of weeks before the end of my Junior year. I was sitting on a bench in a park down the street from my house, smoking a cigarette and soaking up the warm sunlight. “I was wondering if you’d like to take me to Swingset.”“Absolutely! Yeah, for sure! When did you want to go?”“I’m free tonight or tomorrow night.”“Hmm,” he replied. “I can’t go tonight, my wife and I. The little time we had together during week days would sneak around the back of the school and make out. It was nothing more than a simple kiss and hugs. We were very cautious on being caught by people we know and ultimately her father finding out. Every day after making out, it would leave us in a very lustful and frustrating state.Our first pseudo sex experience was through the phone. One night, we both couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to take a step further than just kisses. We came up. “Are you mad at me, Rache?” I asked. “I got carried away back there. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”“Huh? Oh. No, not that, really. I just need to think.” She glanced down at our hands and reached out to take mine. “I didn’t mean to shut you out. We’re not breaking up or anything. I just really reacted to her like a jealous bitch and it threw me.”“I understand a little. I mean not all. But ... We said we weren’t really ... um ... steady, right? But I feel like I’ve got something with you I don’t.
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